- vipertongue -

Random Non Sequiturs+ 4

Did you know that the Indonesian word for "velcro" is "perepet"?  Now if that ain't a perfect example of onomatopoeia, I don't know what is.

The type of women who read "The Purpose Driven Life" tend to marry the type of men who read "Rich Dad Poor Dad".  And end up sharing a copy of "The Secret".  GBU!

You know you're a “Bule with a Mission” if you read books by Allende, Marquez, Naipaul, or anything else with a political turmoil as a backdrop.

Cool name for a band: Dewi McPeaches and the Moldy Persiks.  (You probably have to be a hipster Aksara-Hag to find this one amusing.)

If your date ever uses the term "Yang jahat yang mana?" in reference to movies, slowly step away, turn around, and run for your life.

When a guy says his work involves “memasok ke instansi and general trading”, you can make a safe assumption his dad is a high ranking government official.

A surefire way to never get hired if you are being interviewed by me for Marketing and Sales position: "Mungkin harus fashion show ya, Pak.."

Actually, I wish I could press a red button and the interviewee would plunge into a subterranean pool of bloodfrenzied sharks, ala Dr Evil.

Did you know that the word Boogeyman came from "Bugis"?  Somehow I think our vice president would feel a wee bit smugger if he knew that.

You know you're a rabid bunda if you think your homemade macaroni schotel and risoles kicks some serious ass.

To learn how to swear with eloquence, drive behind a mikrolet.

I got my first (of potentially many) tattoo a few weeks ago.  It was a decent enough place, with the usual gaggle of tattooed, pierced, mohawked kids hanging around.   As I was wincing under the needle, that song "Nothing's gonna change my love for you" suddenly came on the radio. And somehow everyone started singing along to it.  Without any hint of irony, pula.

There is a very good reason why the song doesn't go "Dontcha wish your boyfriend was hot like me?" instead.

That being said, why do women talk about "sisterhood" so much?  Because deep down inside they know they would walk all over each other when the opportunity presents itself.

When was the last time was anyone was ever killed in the name of Satan? I think the poor guy sits in Hell going "See what happens when you have horns and a pointy tail?  You get blamed for eeeeverything!  I get no respect, I tellya... no respect at all..."

Isn't it ironic how 95% of the clothing in fashion shows would actually get you arrested by the fashion police?

You know you've been in Indonesia too long when you instinctively rate 'human development' in various cities according to the franchises established there, i.e. from least developed to most developed: CFC, KFC, McD, Starbucks.

That being said, Wonogiri is still like, a decade away from reaching a KFC level of development..

One of the very first things I noticed when I moved to Indonesia:  Dogs are hated and feared, monkeys are considered ugly, and kids love drawing two mountains with a road down the middle with a sunset and rice paddies on the right and left of it. And they all wanna grow up to be doctors or engineers.

Things That You Should Never Trust #67:  Anything that claims to be "berkhasiat", the type of guys who call you "bos", skincare clinics, and the smile of a public relations officer.  Especially if she's a hot babe.

If Yohji Yamamoto does a white cotton shirt, it's "clean, crisp, minimalist, monastic".  If I do a white cotton shirt, it's "Kok desainnya gitu doang?  Bahannya gampang kusut pula."

"Iya, tapi jatohnya laen, yan..."

Beware of women who SMS you "Sudah makan, belum? Jangan lupa makan ya, nanti sakit lho...".  Trust me on this one.

Binoche over Alba any day. There is something very attractive about women in her 30's.

If you think you are going to Hell, don’t forget to pack several bottles of mineral water, a decent pair of sunglasses, and a good supply of sunblock.

I knew I was getting old the day I realized I prefer watching CNN instead of MTV.

Real men don't use straws. Except with Teh Botol.

Norah Jones will be starring in a film directed by Wong Kar Wai.  Now if that ain't some budayawan daughter's wet dream, I dunno what is.

I seriously think I would make a great father. A husband?  Well, let's not push it, okay...

Random Non Sequiturs+ 3

Move to Bali once in your life.  Leave before you start going all “Bali-er Than Thou” and act smugly superior to Jakartans.

You know you work in advertising if you wear t-shirts with satiric junk food logos, listen to Mika, watch Wong Kar Wai, and think that Benyamin is cool.  "I'm so hip and ironic, I amaze myself sometimes!"

Typical Responses You Receive If You Are Actually Idiotic Enough to Tell People You Design Clothing for a Living, #24:  Fashion Student / Designer Wannabe Response:  "So, lagi ngeluarin koleksi trend apa nih?"

You know you're a Rabid Bunda if your email address is "(insert your child's name here)-ku@yahoo.com"

The best literary critique I have ever read: "The book was both good and original.  The problem is, the good parts weren't very original, and the original parts weren't very good."

How to lose friends and alienate people:  Join an MLM.

When shaving, as in life, always go against the grain.

I would be a rich man if I received a penny everytime I hear a musician wax poetic on how music is a "universal language that crosses boundaries and cultures."

Real men never drink rose' wine.

Okay, do this.  Listen to Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars".  Imagine the words in Indonesian.  Tell me.. doesn't it sound like a song done by a band that belongs on a KFC billboard?

There are only three things in life that are certain: Death, taxes, and a child’s fondness for spaghetti.

If I ever get married one day, I plan on kneeling down and washing her feet instead.  The look on all of my relatives' faces?  Priceless!

Some people get married for a greencard.  I think I would get married for a black Amex Centurion card.

Ever wondered why men's shirts unbutton and open from the left side, and a women's shirts the opposite way? A man uses his right hand to draw his sword or gun from the left side of his belt, and a woman breastfeeds using the left breast as it is closest to her heart.  Men kill, women nurture.

So yeah, if you think about it, if all presidents were women, there would be no war.  We'd just have intense negotiations every 27 days or so.  :P

10 - Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. 11- But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!"  "Here I am," he replied. 12 - "Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son." 13 - Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram [a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.

In short, God said "Dude, you just got Punk'd!"

My advice to malaysian rockers:  Add more fiber to your diet.  You just might sing better.

If you ever survived getting two of your cats into the back of the car to take to the vet, its difficult not come away thinking “Noah, you da man, bro...” regardless of your personal beliefs. 

There are quite a few things that can make you feel good about life.  Watching a child attack a plate of spaghetti is one of them.

You know something is fundamentally wrong when your best defense for it is "Yes, but the book itself teaches peace and goodwill, not violence and hatred."

There is always somebody worse off than you are.  And probably deserved it less, too.

Cool name for a chinese restaurant: "The Ignorant Duck (d/h Cuek Bebek)"

Figure out what you would gladly do for free.  If you happen to be somewhat good at it, find out a way to make people pay you some money to continue doing so.  Top it off with good health, good friends, and some peace of mind, and hey... you've got yourself a pretty decent gig going on there.

"I don't want to be original.  I want to be good."  - Mies Van Der Rohe, Architect.

Live in Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you start wearing yellow "Live Strong" bracelets and carry a "I Am Not a Plastic Bag" bag without having a frickin' clue what its all about.

Okay, let me get this straight...  I have concerns that you do not fear me *enough*, therefore, I'll sucker you into chopping off your son's head...  Alriiiiiiiight.  *ngacung jempol*

I never think of long weekends.  I never count my leave.  I prefer my desk.  But if you put a gun on my head and told me to take a vacation, I am taking my laptop with me.  So help you God.

Jawa uber alles.

Random Non Sequiturs+ 2

When a man turns 20, it's very important that he never uses more than two exclamation marks per email.


Rn'B and Sushi Groove:  What to listen to when you don't actually like music, where to go when you don't actually like sushi.  But would like to pretend as if you do.


I think the real reason why Indonesians do Pre-Wedding photography is because they realize how horrible and stressed-out they will look on the wedding day itself.


The slower paced a movie, the better the reviews. Throw in a healthy dose of navel-gazing and voila’, ... you got yourself an Oscar.


You know you are an Indonesian fashion designer if you have someone hand you a cellophane-wrapped bouquet of  flowers when you do your kegirangan victory lap at the end of your show.


Never trust a man who smells of Drakkar Noir.  Especially if he wears gold chains and has chest hair.


You know you're a "Bule with a Mission" when you find it necessary to make a point that you have a favorite Indonesian band.  And to make sure everyone knows about it, so help you God.


If you gotta grind, grind deep.


Never button the lowest button on your suit jacket.  And if you think it's okay to leave the label stitched on the sleeve... well, we're not even gonna go there, are we?


Live in Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you find it perfectly acceptable to ship your Harley Davidson by truck so you can ride it in a convoy in Bali.


The other day I was watching a documentary on aircraft carriers on the Discovery channel.  On the early carriers, aircrafts would land on the flight deck parallel to the long axis of the ship's hull, and park at the end of the runway.  If a jet overshot its landing, it would crash into the parked aircrafts.  It took a decade of fiery deaths before someone finally came up with the idea of an angled runway, so the landing jet would not hit the parked aircrafts and simply go airborne again.  Keep this in mind the next time you have the urge to beat yourself silly over a mistake you have made.


If you cannot be happy on your own, you will never be happy with someone else.


When you ask someone what his favorite movies are and he answers with names of directors instead of movie titles, its his way of saying "I am hipper than thou, you puny pedestrian scum."


Either that, or he works in advertising.  Same difference.


Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll ask you to pay for the sewa lapak and some uang rokok.


Yes, I do consider riding an ojek during rush hour in Mangga Dua to be an extreme sport. How I have managed to keep both of my kneecaps intact is beyond me.


The smaller her dog, the more emotionally fragile she is.


When my parents were struggling immigrants in the '60s, all we could afford were the cheapest cuts of a chicken, namely the backs and necks.  For the longest time we thought that was all a chicken consisted of, until we saw KFC commercials on TV with slow-motion tumbling pieces of drumsticks, wings, and breasts. My sister and brother said “Hey.... hold on... what part of a chicken is that?”


Now is it just me, or does "klappertaart" really sound like a dutch sailor's venereal disease?


When a man turns 25, he should refrain from dating women who have an aversion to DVDs with laurel wreaths on its cover. Regardless of how much of a hot babe she might be.


Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes with her arms folded.


The worse the spelling, the higher the probability he was educated in the U.S.  Definately.


The girl at the italian ice cream stand at Ciwalk is really cute.  Don't tell her you read it here.

Random Non Sequiturs+ 1

 

The more respectable and prominent an Indonesian family is, the more skeletons are squeezed tightly in their closet screaming to be let out.


Move to Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you find it perfectly acceptable for a radio-station to call itself “Hard Rock FM” and play Celine Dion.


Now let me get this clear:  You wouldn’t go near durian, and yet you’ll eat blue cheese?


After three and a half centuries of struggle, Indonesia declared its independence 11 days after the U.S. dropped the atom bomb on Hiroshima.  You do the math.


The tip of your tie should fall at the exact center of your belt.  Any shorter and you would look clown-ish, any longer and it would look like you are desperately compensating.


Give God a break.   If it ain't important, don't waste a prayer on it.


You know you're a "Bule with a Mission" if you have Phillip Glass, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan or Youssou N'Dour on your iPod.


Malaysia: Truly Indonesia


Even when 34A fits better, they will always wear 34B. Trust me on this one.


“Kan tergantung merek!”   Yeah, go ahead and tell yourself that if it makes you feel better about it.  :P


The only thing worse than movies about artists?  Movies about writers.  And even worse than that?  Movies about writers without a substance abuse problem. 


Ayam Negeri: The same, only with desk jobs.


Nothing makes you feel better about your own life than making yourself watch an episode of "Cops".


I have a question to the guy who discovered "Kopi Luwak":  In the name of all that is holy, what the hell were you thinking?


Move to Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you find it perfectly acceptable to own the latest Nokia Communicator and just use it to make calls, send SMS and giggle over .3gp clips.


I find as much beauty and emotion in Tiesto as I do in Bach.


At the end of the day, it really does come down to this:  Marry the one person you love having conversations with. The sex won't be that great after you are sixty anyways.


When I first moved here, for a while I thought the majority of Indonesians were fluent and understood Arabic.  Well, little did I know...


You know you're Indonesian fashion designer if you have ever used the following words to name your seasonal collection: "Elegy", "Rhapsody", or "Sonata".


I don't care what they say, watching a documentary *is* just as good as reading a book on the subject.  Elitist pigs.  Pffffft.


Sometimes "just be yourself" is just about the worst piece of advice you can give to some people.


"Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool." -Anonymous


When a woman says "We need to talk", what she really means is:  "I talk, you listen.  Any lip from you and I swear I will go Oprah all over your sorry ass, so help you God."


Pembokatus Interruptus:  When the maid walks in.


One of the first things you learn when you work in the fashion industry is that “beauty” and “attractiveness” are two very different things.


Many Indonesians get married out of fear, not because of love.  Fear of parents, relatives, society, being alone, financial insecurity and the ticking clock.


Yes, I realize buying pirated movies and music is wrong.  But after watching “MTV Cribs”, I simply stopped caring.  If you can sit on the toilet, press a button, and a 55” HDTV rises from your bathroom floor, you don’t need my measly rupiahs. 


Real men don’t eat rujak. Or quiche, for that matter.


What happened to "Random Shallow Thoughts"? Shouldn't this be Random Shallow Thoughts 14?  Haven't I read some of these entries before?  Whats with the "plus" sign?  Isn't there a monthly column called Random Non Sequiturs (without a plus sign) in Jakarta Post's Weekender magazine now?


Long story.  Don't ask.

   

Random Shallow Thoughts, 13.

I hope that one day we will live in a world free of budayawans who listen to jazz, read Kahlil Gibran, and name their children in sanskrit.

If thou must covet thy neighbour’s wife, a pair of binoculars and a comfortable spot on the genteng sure come in handy.  Uh-huh.

If you cannot be happy on your own, you will never be happy with someone else.

You know you're old when you can remember watching five versions of Alphaville's video "Big in Japan".  On Betamax pula.

Aspirations?  Gregory House.  Reality?  George Costanza.

You know you work in advertising when your profile picture is Photoshopped to death.  Not that it ever helps. So, like, just give up why don't you.

I don't care what they say, revenge brings comfort.  If it doesn't, it means you just didn’t pull it off properly.

Either that, or you ain’t a Capricorn.

Typical Responses You Receive If You Are Idiotic Enough To Tell People You Design Clothing For A Living, #37: The Fashion Designer Response: You won't get one.  Fashion designers are much too jaim, insecure, and neurotic to even acknowledge there is another fashion designer in the room.

The happiest people on earth?  Those guys on Mythbusters. 

“To determine how a person really is, don't read the testimonials on her profile.  Read the ones she has written for others.” - Rini Soka

Never, ever, subscribe to someone else's definition of happiness.  You know whats right for you, and its your own skin you have to live in.

Live in Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you start wearing yellow "Live Strong" bracelets and carry a "This is Not a Plastic Bag" bag without having a fucking clue what its all about.

Real men exfoliate.

When my mom was young, she said she would marry any man who could take her around the world several times.  And that, she did.  When she met my father, she was a highschool english teacher and my dad delivered the newspaper to her house.  Hey, if that ain’t foresight, I dunno what is. :)

Speak softly and carry a spring-loaded tactical baton.

If, out of the blue, a female friend who normally wouldn’t even give you the time of day suddenly contacts you, bet on one of two things:  Either she just had a baby, or is expecting one.

You know you’re a “Bule With a Mission” if you cannot resist drawing parallels between shadow puppets, Javanese animist beliefs, and the political situation in Indonesia while boring dinner guests with pseudo-intellectual takes on current affairs.

I remember the first time me and my brother and sister tried eating rice with our hands.  We looked like rejects out of "Quest for Fire".

With a few notable exceptions, generally a person's level of respect for me is inversely proportional to the length of our acquaintance.

I think the idea that one should quit smoking to extend his or her life is stupid.  Hey, I'd gladly give up two years off the tail-end of my life so I can enjoy Nasi Campur Kenanga every now and then. 

The difference is, I don't wanna go through life squirming in long meetings because I am dying for my next bite of samchan.  Neither do I wanna leave my house in my jammies at ungodly hours because I am out of chasiew.

If you are over the age of 30 and still have "Fancy Night" stories to tell... well...  I'm not even gonna *start* on that one...

The type of women who order vodka cruisers are the types who think they are bad-ass chicks because they have watched a midnight show at Sineplex 21.  And still manage to get to church on time the following morning.

Ever notice how the aforementioned women always post pictures of themselves at weddings at Hotel Mulia, posing with cousins or some “sis”?  GBU!

The first time I take a date to a wedding is usually a nervous moment for me.  I know I am gonna get into trouble for this, but I truly think that 90% of women are at their least attractive when dressed up for wedding receptions.

(Yes, that also explains why I hate designing evening gowns.)

In the end, life unfolds pretty much any which way it damn well pleases.  Whether we like it or not.

Does God exist?  I certainly hope so.  After all, wouldn't it be such a shame if centuries of war, violence, and hatred were all committed in the name of... a mass delusion?  Oh we certainly wouldn’t want that, would we?

Ever noticed how characters on TV always tilt their heads sideways when watching porn?  Exactly what anatomical part becomes more clear by viewing it slanted anyways?

I think the real reason why Indonesians do Pre-Wedding photography is because they realize how horrible and stressed-out they will look on the wedding day itself.

Live in Jakarta once in your life.   Leave before you start coming to Bandung for weekends, wear your hotel slippers to stupid tourist cafes with your sunglasses perched on your noggin, talk decibels louder than everyone else, swagger around like you own the place, and think those frickin’ brownies are actually good. “Yo’i, jek.”

And you know whats even worse?  You can always tell exactly which tables are the MRA chicks, the advertising hipsters, the cap-and-sneaker-wearing EOs, or the distro-wearing PH guys.

Did you know that you can lead a cow to go upstairs, but it cannot go downstairs?  Hey, that sounds like a cool idea for a prank...

We all die alone.  Even if we have children, we all die alone.  If you think they would join you, then you are seriously overestimating their love.

Sushi Groove:  Where to go if you don't actually like sushi but would like to look as if you do.

When kissing someone for the first time, always manage a quick peek to check if she has her eyes closed. If they are wide open, start worrying.

I am proud to say that I have never finished reading a Haruki Murakami novel. God knows I tried, though.  Oh man, does God ever know I tried...

I listen to bands that aren't even on Wikipedia yet.  Man, its so hip its actually tragic.

My father once told me that we can marry anyone of our choosing, even the mbok pembantu if we wanted to, as long as it was truly based on love. Considering how none of us are married by now, this is definite proof to the theory that children will do the exact opposite of what their parents permit them to do.  :)

The internet can give someone a false sense of wisdom.  And even worse, a soapbox to stand on.  *cough cough*

Never get drunk before your employees do. And if your secretary is a hot babe, stick to orange juice.

Random Shallow Thoughts 12. Yes, twelve.

I was Hugh Hefner for Halloween once.  I wore a silk bathrobe, slippers, with a cigar and a snifter of cognac.  The only thing missing was Miss October as elbow-candy.

Anthony Bourdain is a "Bule with a Mission". Anyone who would praise a half-cooked iguana in Ecuador and diss a New York hotdog is a pretentious prick.  There, I said it. Pfffft.

The only thing worse than watching interviews of models and designers on FTV is watching it with the volume actually turned on.

How many over-40-year-old FSRD ITB alumnis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  One to screw it in, and a dozen more having a meeting on how the screwing in of the lightbulb can be affiliated with ITB in any possible way.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lightbulb_jokes

That being said, there is a very thin line between “being consistent” and just.. not..  really..  going..  anywhere...

Yes, I am fully aware that Random Shallow Thoughts 11 was lame.  Perhaps you would like to step outside and tell it to my face one more time.  No? Just as I thought.

Do I smoke?  Not if its legal. :P

Figure out what you would gladly do for free.  If you happen to be somewhat good at it, find out a way to make people pay you some money to continue doing so.  Top it off with good health, good friends, and some peace of mind, and hey... you've got yourself a pretty decent gig going on there.

The idea of taking a Rorschach Test scares me.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Proof that George Lucas is Indonesian, #65: Dengar (the one-eyed bounty hunter), Toba (a Gungan warrior), Padawan (well it kinda sounds Indonesian, doesn’t it?).

When I was 17, I used to date a girl who was proficient at making pipe bombs and explosives.  She even knew how to rig a detonator for plastique C-4 out of a car battery.  Her nickname?  Kitty.

You know a woman has a lot of percaya diri when she says "Hey, I see you're not on my friend list anymore.  Did you close your account?".  True story, by the way.

How on earth did we ever come to accept the fact that fundamentalism in any organized religion has more to do with hatred and violence than it does with acceptance and compassion?

A few years ago, while playing Airsoft, I took a point-blank shot from an AR-15 carbine on the left side of my nose.  I had an open wound gushing blood.  The following day I had an interview with Harper's Bazaar.  Now you know why the I was facing left in the article's picture.

At least if I was interviewed by "Soldier of Fortune", I would have had an easier time explaining myself to the stylist.  :P

“It's all good.”  There is something very peaceful about these three words.  I wouldn't mind having it engraved on my urn one day.

My father once told me that his sons and daughter owe him nothing.  He said that we owe it to our own children instead one day.  Seeing our social lives as of late, it looks like me, my brother, and my sister are definitely impas bandar!  Ehehehe....

Besides.. when you think of it, to go through the whole trouble of creating a life and then punishing it for not praising you... I mean, how nuts is that idea anyways?  Thank God my dad wasn't that narrow-minded and insecure.  :P

While we are on the subject, I've said it before and I'll say it again:  Could someone please explain the concept of "Hell" to me?

Hey, if alcohol isn't your cuppa tea, I'm cool with that.  But it doesn't mean you may order a vodka cruiser.  Not on my watch, you won't.

A mocktail? Try me.  Just go ahead and see what happens.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't watch low-quality porn.

Y'know, being able to remain on good terms with your ex-girlfriends means something.  Ain't sure what, exactly.  But it's all good.  It really is.

I would be a rich man if I got a penny everytime I read an interview of an Indonesian artist whining his or her ass off about "seni di Indonesia tidak didukung pemerintah".  (Boy, is Farah Wawah sooo gonna get me on this one...)

The main reason I channel surf is because sticking to one channel is too much of a commitment.

I have a dream...  that one day we will live in a world free of online poseurs who call themselves “pelacur”, “pecun”, “banci”, or “penjahat”.  I eat you and your type for breakfast, spit out the bones, and manage to watch my saturday morning cartoons while I am at it.

If you gotta lose, lose with grace.  And if you ever figure out how to pull that off, please do email me.

I still believe that marriage is the excess of meeting someone you cannot imagine living another day without.  Excess.  It is not a goal in itself.

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People: Join an MLM.

Random Shallow Thoughts, 11.

  One of the most annoying excuses I have ever heard is "Gue kan cewek, Dri!".  Man, if you could only count how many times I wish I could have gotten away with “ya gue kan cowok!” as a bloody excuse...

When a woman uses the term "yang jahat yang mana?" in reference to movies, slowly step away, turn around, and run for your life.

Real men cry at the final scene of "First Bood I".

My brother has actually met Paul Stanley of KISS.  And I was Ace Frehley for Halloween once.  That used up a lot of tin-foil, I tellya.

Heartbreak makes a poet out of all of us.

Live in Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you find the following terms to be perfectly acceptable: "Pre-party", "On Trial", "Soft Opening", and "Pre-wedding".

Garfield was right. Bad dreams are more likely to the result of strong cheeses and spicy foods, and not the suppression of guilt.

Anggun: Uberpoultry Supreme. The Mother Hen Every Chicken Aspires to Be.

The better looking a woman is, the less likely she is to thank you when you send her a birthday message.  Again, its not like the average male would ever notice anyways.

When in doubt, you could always quote Nietzche.

When out of the blue, an old pribumi friend contacts you and insists to meet, it means he want to borrow money.  If he is chinese, he wants to sell you something.  If he is a member of Amway, I can give you guidelines on how to properly dismember and dispose a dead body.

Javanese Sound Test: "Jajal, jajal.. ji ro lu.. jajal..."

“Rabid Bunda”.  If one day this term ever becomes popular, you heard it here first.  And yes, it means exactly the way it sounds.

Real men never use the terms "gokil", “yo'i”, or “jek”.  Skinny Guys in Hats use those terms.  My point, exactly.

Kevlar: Never Leave Home Without It.

Of course I have six pack abs. They just happen to be behind a layer of fat.

You know you're a “Bule with a Mission” when you find it necessary to make a point that you have a favorite Indonesian band.  And to make sure everyone knows about it, so help you God.

If I had the option of putting a soundtrack to my life, it would probably be "Miami Vice".

In no possible way am I implying that I have any resemblance to Sonny Crockett whatsoever.

I despise moccha so much that if I inadvertently sip coffee after eating chocolate, I would spit it out in disgust.

If it turns out to be true, does it still make me a judgmental bastard?

“Its funny how we all grow up wanting to be James Bond, but end up looking like a Bond villain instead.”  - Angus Wilson, a highschool friend after seeing me on Facebook for the first time in eighteen years.

My father once told me that in life I will come across people who would disbelieve me if i told them that the shirt on their back was made of oil.  He also told me that the exact same people would probably find the concept of some guy parting the Red Sea to be perfectly reasonable.

In Vegas, losing twenty-five dollars pissed me off more than winning a hundred dollars made me happy. Then and there I realized I wasn't cut out for gambling.

I'm a PG-13 man living in an NC-17 world.

Typical Responses You Receive if You are Idiotic Enough to Tell People You Design Clothing for a Living, #27;  The “Bule with a Mission” response: "Do you use batik?  What do you mean you don't use batik? Aren't you proud of your rich heritage?  Why would you want to do work clothing?  I mean..."

Attractive women shouldn't wink. Seriously.

Random Shallow Thoughts, Part 10.

Citra Pariwara:  Where to go if you wanna see a bunch of swaggering hipper-than-thou types patting themselves on the back.

Posessive Indonesian men are nothing but pathetic  insecure mamaboys.  But again, if you dig guys like that, thats your problem.

Multitasking is deeply underrated.

A restroom is definitely not the place to make any sort of introductions. No exceptions.

Whenever you ask why something isn’t done a certain way, usually its because someone tried it before and it wasn’t financially viable. 

Some things are one-of-a-kind because there is simply no demand for two of them.

The Worst Dinner Party Ever #14: Michael Stipe, Eric Clapton, Natalie Merchant, Sinead 'o Connor, Moby.  Throw in a couple of Indonesian guitar-strumming budayawans in the mix, and I'd seriously start looking for a very high bridge to jump off.

Typical Responses You Receive if You Are Idiotic Enough to Tell People You Design Clothing for a Living, #24: The Pribumi Response: “Sering show?”.  The Chinese Response: “Sudah ekspor?”.

And if you dare answer “no” to either of those questions, prepare for the pitiful “Ooo.. belum ‘kali ya..” expression. So help you God.

Men who prefer polished unscuffed leather are the equivalent to women who prefer small noisy dogs.

One night in 1997, I conversed for two hours on ICQ with someone who turned out to be, quite literally, the girl *right *next *door.  Thank God I didn’t say I was tall, dark, and handsome.

When I saw “The Last Samurai”, every time Taka came on screen, I was actually too stunned to breathe. Anne Hathaway has the same effect, lately.

My siblings’ names are Juanita Amanda and Juarez Armando.  And my name is Rinaldo Adrian (okay, stop laughing).  How did three Javanese kids born in the late sixties from Bandung end up with telenovela names?  No bloody idea, mate.  No bloody idea.

I’ll do my best to not do another duku reference.  I’m working on another fruit as we speak.

You know you’re a “Bule with a Mission” if your idea of labour dispute resolution is to hold hands with the employees and sing “We are the World”.

If you do not make the effort to make people laugh while being sarcastic, don't bother being sarcastic.

Signs its DEFINITELY the wrong oh so wrong band, #46:  They play that Georgy Pordgy song. That plopping sound you hear is your brain oozing out of your ear.  God have mercy on your soul and eardrums.

In Indonesia, its perfectly acceptable to call yourself a lawyer when in fact you are just a legal clerk.

One of the most annoying excuses I have ever heard is "maksud gue kan baek". The road to hell is paved with "maksud gue kan baek".

If I ever form a band, I'm gonna call it “Tiko McTiko & The Boseco's”. And we'd perform wearing Pegawai Negeri Sipil uniforms.  Ehehehehehe.... 

Hey, c'mon... that was a good one and you know it.  :P

Sometimes you come across a woman who informs you that she doesn't like your designs.  And after taking a look at how she dresses, you go “Hallelujah, thank yeeww, Laaawd!!”.

I exchanged words with Johnny Depp when I was in highschool.  If I knew he was gonna be as famous as he is now, I would have kept the photograph.

If you knew my hairstyle back then, you would fully understand why I didn't keep it.  Think Billy Ray Cyrus.

My personal dressing style?  I think of myself as a character in a Tom Clancy novel.  So no, you won't ever find me wearing a distro t-shirt, sagging jeans,  and funky sneakers.  Ever.

Yes, I am fully aware that Tom Clancy characters do not wear meteran penjahit to work. If you have a problem with that, perhaps you would like to settle it outside. No?  I thought so.

“Steak tetangga selalu lebih juicy.” - Maria Francisco

The next time you say “man, I coulda done that!”, just keep this in mind:  You didn't.

Isn't it amusing how the same people who complain about the air quality in Jakarta also pay good money to voluntarily inhale toxic fumes directly into their dijon-mustard-crusty slime-yellow nicotined lungs?

But I still think the best part of a party is where the smokers hang out.

The last time I checked, the majority of adult women from Tasik to Telluride have children.  If so, then why do so many mothers walk around exuding a superior sense of “accomplishment”?   

“lu ngga bisa ngomong gitu, yan… lu ngga akan ngerti sebelum punya anak sendiri, yan...”  Well, until my kid wins the Nobel Peace Prize…

There is always somebody worse off than you are.  And probably deserved it less, too.

Live to work.  Don't work to live. If there is a recipe to happiness, that is definitely one of them.

“Yeah, try telling that to someone on UMR, you moron.”

You know the type of guys that women refer to as "well, he is actually a nice guy once you get to know him better."?  Well, I ain't one of those guys.

Jaimness is next to Godliness.

Random Shallow Thoughts, 9

If I ever get married one day (hey! I heard that snicker!), I plan on washing her feet instead. The look on my relative’s faces? Priceless!

The only reason you never consider yourself an addict is because its always available and within reach.

Whats the point of retirement? If you look forward to it, you are wasting your life, dude.

I have yet to meet a gay man who hates women. But I have come across quite a few lesbians who absolutely loathe men. Damn shame, considering how many of them have cool short hair.

My mom visited the Von Trapp estate in Austria in the late ‘80s. She said there were hidden speakers in the manicured gardens playing “The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music”. I guess it was her idea of a pilgrimage.

Real men never wear socks to bed. Especially when a woman is anywhere in the picture.

There was a “Bule with a Mission” NGO in Central Java that socialized AIDS awareness via wayang golek shows. Yeah dude, the last time I checked, high risk inviduals are heavy into the wayang golek scene, big time.

There was a guy on Yahoogroups willing to pay good money for an original Milli Vanilli CD. I seriously considered hunting the guy down to beat the living daylights out of him.

Did you know duku can make you inebriated? My dad once told me, as a boy he fell out of a duku tree once after eating one too many of them. Ehehehe..

The latin word for wolverine is “gulo gulo”. Ha, Logan doesn’t sound too tough now, eh bub? And the latin name for the bat is “vespertilio”.

Hmmm. That sounded kinda cool, actually.

Are puns considered the Rob Schneider of humor?

By any definition under the sun, cigarettes are drugs. Highly addictive, slickly advertised, herbal, legal, and socially acceptable. But make no mistake about it, it is a drug.

At least when someone is tripping on E, the only thing you have to tolerate is the crappy house music.

Advertising guys tend to see (and carry) themselves as somewhat of a Quentin Tarantino. Advertising girls, Sofia Coppola.  You're not.  Seriously.

Would I have more blog material if I watched Indonesian television? Betcha ass I would. But I value my braincells and mental health more than this blog.

FSRD ITB students tend to think that by only producing limited items of anything automatically make it exclusive. Produce a hundred, and there is a demand for a hundred and four, that’s exclusive. If you only produce two and there is no demand for it, that’s called overproduction, baby.

“Tapi gue kan idealis! Ngga komersil/massal/sell-out!” Fine, okay. Now sit back and watch me perform Vivaldi on my air Stradivarius.

Imagine one day in the near future, explaining to your grown children how we used pagers back in the mid ‘90s.

I have hanged out with the model / flaming fashionista / Kosmo Vacuumhead crowd. And I have hanged out with the artist / writer / teater / Bule with a Mission / LSM / Pretentious Pramoedya crowd. Now, take a wild guess: Which crowd was most prejudiced based on how someone was dressed? And verbally expressed it?

Cool name for a chinese restaurant: “The Ignorant Duck (d/h ‘Cuek Bebek’)”

Women who wear animal prints and have tattooed eyebrows tend to be more racially biased than average. (kudos to Maria Francisco for that tidbit)

Hire the smile, train the rest.

I don't mind going out with women who do not like my favorite movies. But I draw the line at women who like the movies that I absolutely hate.

Signs Its (definitely) the Wrong Band, #76: They are Filipinos. And the lead singer is poultry-esque. And if they start playing a song by Dewa, you are so beyond toast it ain’t even remotely funny. God have mercy on your soul and eardrums. *shiver…

When King Leonidas in “300” bellowed “Tonight we dine in hell!”, its safe to assume he meant sundanese food.

Things You Should Never Trust, #65: Anything that claims to be “berkhasiat”, guys who call you “bos”, and the smile of a Public Relations Officer. Especially if she’s a hot babe.

Oh, and skincare clinics. Biggest scam on earth, I tellya… preying on the fears and insecurities of the cute and the gullible.

You know there is something fundamentally wrong when your best defense for it is “Yes, but the book itself teaches peace and goodwill, not violence.” Especially when you find it necessary to use that sorry excuse more than a few times.

There is nothing worse than Indonesian selebritis that aspire to own a boutique. Hold on, yes it can get worse.. boutique and sanggar senam.

Pagersex.

Random Shallow Thoughts, 8

It ain’t a proper Indonesian wedding until the bride-to-be locks herself in her room and breaks down crying.

Teaching someone to operate the cash register is easy.  Teaching someone to smile is pretty much impossible.

When Viagra was approved by the FDA, if you listened closely enough, you could hear a collective sigh of relief among the rhinocerous community.

The highlight of my career?  Back in 2000, my label was mentioned in a story on 17tahun.com.  Penthouse Forum, here I come!

Many thanks to Miss M. for pointing out the story.  No worries, your identity and.. uhmm..  particular fetish, shall forever remain a secret.

Proof that God has a sense of humor: The Platypus.

My dad told me when he was a young boy, his father caught him smoking.  So my grandfather locked him in a room with a full pack, and didn’t let him out until he smoked them all.  If that doesn’t make you swear off smoking for life, I dunno what will.  Eheheheh…

How to Spot a Beginner Designer, #97: They do a victory lap at the end of the show.  In the same clothing as her models.

If you are not mentally prepared to be monogamous yet, don’t get married.  It doesn’t get any simpler than that.  If you stray down the line, its only human.  But at least start on the right frickin’ foot.

“ya namanya juga cowok lah, yan..  mau gimana lagi, udah dari sononya, bener ngga, yan…”

You ain’t Indonesian if you can’t jongkok nongkrong.  Bonus points if you can inhale a kretek and look like an existentialist while you are at it.

Signs it’s (Definitely) The Wrong Band #21: There are more than 7 people on stage, you see bongo drums and maracas, the bass guitar is strapped high in the guy’s armpits, and the lead singer is a Skinny Guy in a Hat.

And if they start playing Incognito, Toto, Manhattan Transfer, or Kool and the Gang,… dude, you’re pretty much dead in the water.  May God have mercy on your soul and eardrums.

Sometimes, but just sometimes, the two singers in shorts and boots on either side of the Skinny Guy make it all… so… worth… it….

Radio guys in

Bandung

are the equivalent of Advertising guys in

Jakarta

.

I was at the DVD shop the other day and there was a lady looking for the latest season of  “The Simple Life”. I had to resist from throttling her neck and scream “Why, damn it, WHY?!”

The cuter she is, the fussier she will be on how her coffee is prepared.

I, on the other hand, am fussy on how my instant noodles are prepared.  Al dente, my dear.. al dente. 

Why did I choose to be self employed?  Self reliance and independence are all fine and dandy.. but above it all?  Being able to play my own music all day, and ain’t nobody can say nuthin’ about it.  Gyahahahaha.

Its generally not a very good idea to travel in countries where the government soldiers wear flip-flops.

My dad always wondered, why do the cultures that claim to have an in-depth understanding of the afterlife, are always the ones that wail hysterically when someone dies?

Real men don’t walk while eating an ice cream cone.  So siddown ‘n use a cup, or I’ll go medieval on your sorry ass.

I still have yet to dream in bahasa indonesia.   I mentally dial the phone in Indonesian, though.

In Indonesia, its perfectly acceptable to call yourself an entrepreneur even if you inherited your father’s business.  Sure, you are smart and work hard, no argument there.  But your lack of passion for what you do is as clear as day.

“This my is own company, a completely separate entity from my family’s business.”

“So what type of business are you in?”

“The same as my father’s.  But remember!  It’s mine and it’s completely different!”

“Ah.  Okay.”

And if you ever, ever forget that little fact, so help you God.

Anything worth doing feels much better done angled on an incline.

The other day I saw a banner for a new tabloid called “Persib”, which is the local soccer team.  When a team constantly loses, do you seriously wanna publish a tabloid about them?

You know you’re a “Bule with a Mission” if you say you are “making a contribution to the local economy” when in fact all you are doing is buying a frickin’ souvenir.

Never live by default.

Back in my ICQ days, I found it amusing how many ITB students would actually list their school under “Occupation”.  And only ITB students would do that. Go figure that out.  :P

How Missy Elliot can somehow outsell The Indigo Girls is beyond me.

Ever seen those long and baggy Japanese socks?  They actually glue them to they stay in place.  Which explains the physics in the numerous subtitled, independent Japanese films I have had the privilege to view.  No wardrobe malfunction in those movies, uh-uh, no sir.

If you have the passion for it, the capital will come.